Monday, 5 October 2015

Sunday #24

Am a bit late with this and may not get it posted before the internet connection breaks again. Hopefully Wednesday it'll be fixed.

Sunday didn't involve me going to church because of the time change and staying at my dad's. I feel sorry to have missed it but didn't have what it would've taken to get there.

Saturday was a day of football and beer and making dinner with my dad for his birthday. We also watched the Edinburgh Military Tattoo. I was really glad to be with him, but also quite aware of my depression, not having much to contribute.

Last week involved quite a lot of vodka and my plan for this week involves none of that. Somehow i need to makes some plans A, B and C for the next couple of years.

Friday, 2 October 2015


I'm drunk and need a nap.


I dunno. He loved me when i was an asshole and now he's indifferent. There's no accounting for taste.


I suppose that instead of thinking i'm not good enough to be a wife, girlfriend, or even a regular friend, i could look at it as, "I don't meet his specifications."

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Day Off

We are famous in Victoria for having a holiday for a horse race. Now we have a new one for a football game -- and the game isn't even on the Friday, it's on Saturday. Most people seem bemused by it. I'm happy enough to have a day off. I think i even get paid.

I am puzzling about one of the assemblies we built today.

Curious what it means that Troy Newman has been blocked from entering Australia.

My niece managed her puzzle nicely: i asked her (in a letter that Granny (my mum) read to her) to stick self-adhesive letters A B C D E F G in order on a piece of paper. I tried to describe the letters. She laughed that i'd written that B looks like a bottom. I'll be responsible for all her friends reactions now too!

Received a "I can't reply in detail right now but will soon," email from one of my friends. It really touched my heart.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

5th Day

Today wasn't boring, even though i was doing some of the same stuff. I am a moody creature, aren't i?

So, now i have been employed for a whole week, and i even get paid tomorrow. Think it's time i started planning for the future. It's been a while since i've had an opportunity to do that.

Monday, 28 September 2015

4th Day

I learned today how boring my job is going to get at times! Thankfully i think it will be varied enough that it won't stay that way for more than a day or two at a time. I guess time will tell. Today i was packing stuff. I think the radio bothers me. Love in pop songs is so different from what i've learned that it is...

Sunday, 27 September 2015

Sunday #23

I skipped #22. Made it to church, though i felt a little crazy at the end. Not badly, but enough to note. It is nice to know more people at church now.

Today, i actually had lunch with some of them! Times really are changing.

Friday, 25 September 2015

3rd Day

I'm exhausted. Feel like drinking and crying all night. Not because of work -- it was fine -- but because of regrets and exhaustion. Lots of memories have been stirred up. Had to stop myself from crying while i was there. Anyway, i can't drink and cry just yet as i'm going to a party with my mum. Maybe afterwards.

UPDATE: Being at the party had me schitzing somewhat. More over the edge than on it. Blessed peace now, in a bewildered sort of way. I'm too tired to keep track of what happened, and i did take meds when i got home.

Thursday, 24 September 2015

2nd Day

Less crazy today. And i got to work on a lathe for the first time in 5 or 6 years. Lathes are good for sanity.

When my niece arrived last week, she was most disappointed that i wasn't here (I was at TAFE). I'm going to miss seeing her too, and my nephew, and am realizing how amazingly blessed i've been to spend so much time with them in the time that i've been unemployed. Am wondering if i can make little sketch messages for the kids for when they come on Thursdays, so they know i still care. Dunno. Thinking about that.

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

1st Day

I survived! Was a little crazy by the time i got home, but have been remembering a few things about my old job and getting a bit of perspective on them. That seems better than not thinking about it at all, and better than falling into madness as i've feared. Not sure how this is going to go, but so far i feel blessed.

Too tired, and not sure what i want to write...

Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Working Girl

I find it curious that both my sister and my mum said something along the lines of: "Hooray! You're a working girl!"

Oh well.


I wanted to stop this blogging, and started another one, because i was struggling with suicidal thoughts. Thought, "I can't say that here." There, it's said. Somehow it's easier, past tense.

I do want to change how i write, but perhaps this exercise is part of getting to that? I said i'd write for a year and i think i'll keep trying with that.

I got a job, finally, so life is about to change dramatically. 5am starts to the morning, for a start.

Monday, 14 September 2015


I think i'm going to stop writing here.


My ex-boyfriend used to avoid me, withdraw into computer games, refuse to talk.

My friend isn't talking to me.

Obviously the problem is me. I am too much, and can't be related to.

I feel so sad.

Sunday, 13 September 2015

Sunday #22

Made it to church today. It took a while to stop crying, after i got there. I needed it so much. Absence does these things... I really appreciated it.

Not very verbose today either. Thinking about what it means to forgive seventy times seven times, and for love to keep no record of wrongs. Can i do it? I need God's help...


Great 40th birthday party.

Long online chat afterwards.

Slowly getting tired enough to sleep soundly.

Friday, 11 September 2015


I think the interview went okay. It would be really great to get this job, even if it does mean leaving at 5:20am.

Feeling better today, no paranoia.


Worry, and early stages of paranoia: at school, at home, with him.