Monday, 6 July 2015

Morning

Mornings are the hardest. Getting out of bed to face days i don't want to face. I can see why these are the first words of Morning Prayer:

O Lord open my lips,
and my mouth shall declare your praise.

Far better than the grumpy utterings that might come forth otherwise...

And there is this Collect of Grace:

Oh Lord, our heavenly Father, almighty and everlasting God. You have safely
brought us to the beginning of this day. Defend us in the same with your
mighty power and grant that this day we fall into no sin, neither run into any
kind of danger, but that our doings, being ordered by Your governance, may
be righteous in Your sight; though Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives
and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. Amen.

The book is down from the shelf, now.

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Sunday #12

I came home early from church because my mum said she wanted to do something this afternoon, but she's not home. Guess we didn't communicate too well. Hope i haven't upset her. The dishwasher overflowed last night so it wasn't the best of days.

I weighed myself. 89kg. So, i've gained 3 kg, to have an overall loss still of 7kg since Sunday #1. That's actually not as bad as i'd feared, but isn't great, either.

I had the oddest feeling that they didn't say the Words of Institution at church this morning. Is that possible?

I'm feeling tired and wanting to get out of the house (or my skin). Not drinking, though.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Mood #2

Well, that didn't last. I had a nap after dinner, wondering at how the first hint of emotional discord was enough to make me want to reach for a bottle. I was suddenly tired and couldn't read.

I'm better this morning but worried. I'm tempted to get more cigarettes, but they're so disgusting. Looking for crutches, i am.

I just washed my clothes and it is raining. I wonder if my mum will let me use the dryer? More different things about living here: washing lines and not using the heater 'til 5pm. It gets quite cold sometimes.

Anyway, i guess the thing to do is keep reading.

Friday, 3 July 2015

Mood

My mood is quite alarmingly positive, considering. Or, last night, confronted with the possibility of not being able to sleep, there was no compulsion to seek medicinal aid. Instead i thought, "Well, this'll be interesting..."

(I got to sleep eventually)

Then, when i woke this morning from a bizarre nightmare, i simply shuddered, glad that it had only been a dream.

I've made decent progress with reading...

It's all a bit odd.

Toilet Roll

My niece came into my room yesterday and noticed a toilet roll tube that i hadn't got around to putting in the rubbish.

"Oh, you have a paper tube! I made a dog out of one of those!

Thursday, 2 July 2015

What Now?

Making such a resolution has me deciding now not to drink vodka any more, the way i was. A couple of glasses of wine at dinner seems fine. I've said that before, but i feel differently about it now. I went to the doctor to get more anti-anxiety meds, in case i'm tempted to self-medicate with alcohol.

Sadly, it's still very difficult to do the work that i must. I may still fail. I'm not sure what it's going to take to get on track with being a student, but i know deeply that if i have the opportunity to go back, it has to be different. I can't be in the constant state of stress and panic that i was. I can't be trying to rely on somebody who doesn't offer that possibility (though there may still be a chance of some good companionship). I have to be dedicated to my work, confident that learning will get me somewhere. It's not about being self-sufficient, but holding to what is solid and true. I was trying to hold to good times and promises that couldn't be kept. And alcohol. Reaching for what made me feel better, even at the expense of what was good and right, like chapel and my schoolwork, and seeking more regular fellowship with those who actually want it.

Being at home with mum has been a very different experience from living alone. The stresses have been different. I've been less panicked about life, but i've been a worse student, because i've been completely on my own with it. Classes were good. I've had a lot of grief and hopeless feeling over the past few months that i didn't have in St Louis, knowing that there were good times to look forward to. Here, i do have more quite-good times though. It is good to see my family. I suppose this is a time to try and build some strength, not drown my sorrows.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Resolve

I have to get back there somehow.

Dr B told me not to give up, and i think he's right.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Destitute

Beggars can't be choosers?

It says all kinds of weird things, that i'm saying no.

Not Good Enough

Perhaps, as he says, we're none of us good enough. I have it in writing that i wasn't good enough for him.

I don't think about it as being not good enough, that i can't marry someone else, though... I keep wondering how to tell him that i can't accept this amazing gift. I am too far up my own ass. My arms won't reach.

What does it take to pull somebody out of there?

Katie Luther talked about clinging to Christ like a burr on a jacket, and i'm not quite sure what i'm clinging to :-/

I suspect it's this: i can't use somebody to have children, but i can't quite give up on that desire either.

Sneeze

I can't stop sneezing. I think i have some kind of pimple thing in my nose. It's been going on for a week, but it's not a cold, and doesn't quite feel like an allergy either.

When i was 15 or so, i asked my boyfriend what an orgasm was like. He told me it was like a sneeze.

I think it's a genius comparison, because it also fits with how clinical things seemed with him. Maybe it's a doctor thing?

Ham

From the aroma, i think my mum is making pea and ham soup. It smells pretty nice.

I am liking ham less and less as i get older. Especially big chunky ham. It just looks like this impossible task. I worry if i can hold it down. Shaved ham is still appealing in a sort of a way, not that i ever eat it. I think i would, if we made sandwiches at his house. I'd enjoy it. But not on my own. It's a strange food, ham.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Cigarettes

I smoked two cigarettes today, and watched fathers playing with their children in the park.

I don't think i need to do that again.

I have slept with 20 people in my life. That's a lot of husbands. Fingers and toes, i can't count any further. I have a husband who doesn't want me.

They were my first cigarettes in Australia, since i've been back. They cost four times as much here. I'm not really sure why i did it. I think it's a way to distance myself from love.

Trig heard the music, and wanted to get away...

I threw the butts into the garden in the park, where our friends once lost their keys. They had escaped the party to go and have sex. Another party, later, we all went back there to try and find the keys. Found them. Everyone was amazed.

Everyone was amazed when Legion was dressed and in his right mind, healed by Jesus. Nobody said he ever got married though. It was amazing enough that he was in his right mind. Go and tell. Most people, He said not to.

Vocation... i've been wanting to learn about mental health, but have been avoiding it. I'm given somebody to care for, who cares for me, and i'm avoiding it. I am doing my best to destroy every opportunity i have.

Patterns

I suppose it goes like this: he makes me feel worthless by not responding, so i go running to the person who once made me feel more valuable than i ever had -- also him. Turns me into a monumental pain in the ass, i think. Need to get my worth someplace else.

Last night i decided that "Act and act quickly" meant my schoolwork, so i stayed up 'til 4am drinking. Another day bites the dust as i try to figure out what i'm doing, at the expense of doing anything.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

Sunday #11

Counting these Sundays is getting a bit silly, since i'm not keeping track any more of my weight or diet...

I didn't make it to church, but went to a class there, afterwards. I think my reason is that i wanted to finish my drink before getting in the shower :-/

It was about the sacraments, i just didn't partake :-(

I want to clarify something i said in my earlier post, about rights:

Maybe it's unpopular to say so, but i think it's reasonable to discriminate against a gay couple when it comes to the adoption of children, in favor of a straight couple. I'm not against gay couples adopting altogether, but i think it's a case where it's reasonable, for the sake of a child, to give preference to male and female parentage. A gay couple would be preferable to an institution, but why is it not okay to say that a gay marriage is different? It is different, and children are wired to take cues from male and female parents... Things get messed up when they don't have that. Maybe sometimes it's fine, but yikes. Why is the parenting instinct considered more important than the welfare of the child? I think this is an example of the wrong rights being cared for.

I suspect i'm going to want to delete this post tomorrow, but i shall post it anyway. I haven't heard enough about children's rights in this whole saga, and i'm sick of rainbows.

Changes

I slept 11 hours last night, and didn't even drink much before i went to bed. Sometimes i feel like i need that to sleep.

I feel like i should say something about the US Supreme Court's decision to legalize gay marriage throughout the USA, but i feel nervous about it too. I don't agree with it, because i think it's a wrong understanding of what marriage is, and why we have laws about it. I can understand though that in the States, there might be a greater inclination to find it "necessary": gay couples haven't had the rights that they do have in Australia in what we call defacto relationships. I would have been a lot happier if those rights pertaining to live-in relationships could have been addressed in the US, rather than redefining marriage. I'd be happier if the conversation had been about rights, rather than a rainbow marketing campaign. The rights of children might then be more carefully protected and addressed.

So many people are speaking about how adorable gay couples are, and i'm a bit aghast that this is what it takes to change laws, rather than serious debate.

So anyway, that said, i'm not particularly surprised. I did think it would take longer in the US. I'm worried about what will happen with regard to religious freedom, or even the simple freedom to disagree.

Saturday, 27 June 2015

Tired

Silly me: i'd forgotten how much preparation is required for birthday party lunches. Not a chance of doing anything else. It was a nice day. The lemon tart was good. I'm exhausted.

Part of the exhaustion is stress. I have to make a big decision about the rest of my life and don't know how. I may not be writing much until i've figured a few things out.

Friday, 26 June 2015

Birthday

Today is my mum's birthday. We are going to a nice restaurant for lunch. Later i'll make the lemon tart for our family get-together tomorrow. I still haven't fixed the desk though. Maybe tomorrow morning?

Mother

My mum thinks i would be an adequate mother <3

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Brain vs Heart

My bastard brain says, "Don't do it."

My heart looks up wanly from the gutter: "Really?"

Brain says: "Last time you tried that, it was a bad idea. Go with God..."

Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Memories

It was interesting how, after writing that little bit about Vanessa, the memories started to come back in more detail. The walking stick that we bought, how she told me it was taken when she was mugged. Shopping for food together at Walmart, her wanting to take the shopping cart on the train. How she used to borrow other people's phones to call me. Everything was so dramatic. I found it all quite stressful. I never mentioned how old she was: 62.

I'm having lunch today with a friend of 22 years or so. We remember different things about our past times together.

Going to St Louis helped a bit with my memory blockages from 1999/2000. I don't remember everything, of course, but it feels more normal when i try, now. There was an element of panic before. Now it's more like a dull ache. Some things take a lifetime to get over. Maybe this will only take half?!

There was another guy, Maurice, who wanted my help too. I didn't give him as much money. One night he called me repeatedly at 4am. When i finally answered the phone, he told me that he'd wanted to come to my house to use the toilet, but he didn't make it. It felt like a lesson about my own behavior, it was so bizarre in real terms. He didn't actually know where i lived, thank God. We met at the station, and, looking down at Manchester Rd, i saw all the places he told me he'd been that night. I wondered if he'd sat at the station dreaming all that up. I don't know, but i do know that he was struggling. I didn't have a very good idea of how to help, because i didn't have it in me to talk things through. I certainly believed that he was staying at a homeless shelter...

Six or seven months earlier, on the day before i got rid of my phone, i received what i think was a redirected Skype call from somebody who spoke to me like a lover. It was so familiar as he said "Hey..." and didn't tell me who he was. Desperately lonely myself, it really pulled at my heart. I asked who it was, saying that i didn't recognize his voice, but he kept saying, "It's me". He mentioned how we talked about everything, and somehow it transpired that this was in a chat room (something i hadn't done in 20 years). He had a really desperate tone and wouldn't tell me who it was. Told me that he was sorry but he'd taken viagra. Two. I told him i forgave him. I was upset for the whole rest of the weekend. Suppose it would have happened whatever phone i had, but i'd received too many strange messages on that phone. When a person has the sort of anxiety i was suffering from, every little thing becomes significant. It was too much.

So, i suppose it says a lot about my change in state of mind that i actually gave people my number, that they might harass me!