I stayed up too late getting progressively less thoughtful.
Have had a lovely day with my sister and the kids. Now need to finish cleaning the house before my mum gets home in the morning.
I'm feeling thoughtful tonight after a special conversation with my dad. I had a dream about him last night, too, which sort of fits. I don't want to talk about it here.
Also had a nice Skype conversation with a friend, and had a good time welding this afternoon.
Gah, what a day.
The days at school are very long because there is a lot of waiting around. I was happy to do a bit of MIG welding, and hopefully oxy tomorrow. Am very grateful to get a refresher course and some practice.
I suppose the only bad bit of the day really was when the transit police stopped me as i emerged from the station, and wanted to see my concession card. I had forgotten it in my rush this morning, and only had my actual ticket. They offered me options of an on-the-spot fine of $75 or to wait for a $223 penalty notice in the mail. Apparently i can appeal, if i send them a photocopy of my concession card and write a letter. It was tempting just to pay, but i didn't. I feel like such a dumb-ass. Hopefully they'll accept my appeal :-/
What else? There was a guy who was a bit disturbed on the train on the way home. Ranting and accusing people of stealing his cigarettes. People were nice to him, but he was quite paranoid. Other people caught each other's eyes and grimaced. I felt sorry for him, but was a bit scared too.
Am feeling pretty exhausted. Hopefully i can manage to have a shower before leaving tomorrow. Peanut butter on toast for dinner.
My niece is turning 3 pretty soon. I remember the night she was born, pacing in my apartment in the US, so worried. The joy when it was finally over, gratitude and admiration for all concerned. Having a baby is a big deal.
I keep thinking about how folks talk about how fast it goes, childhood... and i can only think that it's because they're so busy, because it's not actually that fast. A year still takes a year. My niece is still small, and her brother, though he learns more every day, is still a baby. A twenty year investment (though of course it's a lifetime really) makes all the difference in the world to a person's life. I'm still coming to terms with not having that, still amazed at how late our generation has left it to start...
The little boy i cared for is 3.5 now, and i am truly stunned by the differences between him and my niece. Their upbringing is poles apart, conservative and liberal, and yes, he is much better behaved. How will this all pan out? I suppose i'll be around to find out. I don't feel like i'm dying today or any day soon. I'm struck by the differences in how toys are strewn about, how rituals are observed, how affection is shown... And i can't help thinking that these kids just wouldn't get along, but who knows?
I do know that they're still kids, and everything we do has an impact. My niece loves me so long as i don't pull rank. He assumes the rank and is more distant, emotionally. Also i was only one babysitter of many, called "Miss Taylor", not expected to be a beloved "Aunty Liz". C is shy with me, though, every time we meet. She talks and talks about how we will see each other soon, then hides behind Granny's legs until we find something to do together. He doesn't have that shyness, i guess because there's no emotional risk. It's such a difference.
I should be sleeping. Woke up. Today i might get to do some welding. I'd so love to teach kids some practical skills. I dream about doing that in St Louis one day. One day i involved C in installing an electrical cover plate over a hole in the wall in her room. She hid on the bed when i got out the drill, covering her ears. I showed her how it wasn't loud, and made her wear safety glasses, ridiculously too large. She put in the little plugs that cover the screw heads. It really wasn't "her" kind of thing, but it made a difference that she did it.
I'm drinking wine and waiting for the laundry to dry (on the line) and wondering about having cats. I feel glad for him, that a cat has him! Company at last. I hope it helps.
What will i do? Probably care for other people's children, attempt to teach something, and write. Its only the interactive stuff that helps this deep loneliness though. Even though i'm not a cat person, i can see that cats are genius. Puppies are harder and children are harder again. Caring part time for kids... maybe it's all i could ever manage? Well, it's all i could manage on my own. If only i had known 20 years ago what i needed in a husband, i wonder if i would have found it? I'm still not sure, but i know who i'd bet on, the way i would have recklessly bet then. A husband to help care for kids? Maybe one day, maybe foster care... I haven't given up, but i'm a lot more aware of my limitations.
I was glad when my brother got a cat too. And my sister. I've never wanted one, though. I want puppies and babies, preferably the latter.
Well, i woke up, but too late for church. Ate. Went back to bed. Went to buy 17 deodorants for some care packages we're making for women's shelters. Missed my bus to group. They called me and offered to come get me from the shopping center. I couldn't have made it otherwise. Was very tired and sluggish feeling. We had a magnificent meal. I went back to bed when i got home and have since gotten up and applied for those jobs. Now it's 1:27am and i'm not tired again yet. Just sluggish. A slug.
I have calmed down but still can't seem to make myself go to bed. My situation is actually pretty serious with drinking and being unemployed. There is reason to worry, but i think people check in on me often enough that someone will know if the sh*t really hits the fan.
I can't imagine how i'll get back to St Louis next year. The future is stretching out to infinity, yet i feel so physically fragile, like i'll find out any day now that i'm dying. When i admit it, getting through the days is hard. Suppose none of us really knows when our number's up but i feel very mortal lately. Tonight i feel like: if i go to sleep, will i wake up?
I'm glad that my mum's coming home soon.
Feeling very bleary after applying for fourteen jobs. I have to boost that to twenty by tomorrow. Somehow time has slipped away. It's hard to believe that my mum will soon be back, too.
I'm still really missing him and wishing we could talk. I feel like he wouldn't miss me if i disappeared from his life completely. I make myself sad thinking about that. Will i always be so emotional? It's hard to imagine not-being, after all this time.
Well, i'm going to distract myself with yet another movie. I am beginning to wish i weren't so deeply attached.
Well, i was running late for church but then the next bus didn't even show up... Apparently i missed a beautiful cantata. I was sorry to miss the Lord's Supper.
Shopped in Box Hill, went home for a nap. Walked to study group. Found it hard to keep my eyes open when i got there. A bit embarrassing, i couldn't concentrate and wanted it to be over.
Straight to bed when i got home.... patchy night's sleep. Coughing hurts.
It went well, i think. Was really great to talk at last.
Today is the first day i haven't felt the need to put the heater on. Spring must be almost here.
The restaurant on the corner where i had dinner let me buy a bottle of wine to bring home, so long as i drank some of it in the restaurant. I was planning on just having a couple of glasses tonight. Need to work on this.
I have discovered a treasure trove of movies to watch free online on the SBS website.
Still coughing, but more productive and not as constant.
Hope i don't run out of toilet paper before morning.
I barely slept; decided i was too sick to go to school today. It would have been fun to do some welding, but not doubled over in coughing fits the whole time. Maybe i can crawl back into bed for a while. I'd so like to be able to visit my sister and the kids tomorrow, but don't know if i'm contagious. Suppose i'd better get to the doctor.
I watched the seventh planned parenthood video. It was pretty confronting.
I'm actually a little disappointed with my work and suspect my professor will be too.... but, i've submitted everything except a self-assessment. I think i'm feeling too negative about it at the moment to be realistic. I am still very relieved though. I had a lot of mental obstacles to getting this done.
Today at school we were warned about the hazards of turning up to the workshop hungover. I don't think i have enough left to drink to make me hungover but it would be good to get some sleep. It's mostly too painful to cough the way i was, now, and i can't figure out if i need to cough or need to soothe the irritation in my lungs. Maybe i can google that before i go to bed.