Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Choices #2

Wow, well, they (the "work for the dole" people) found another option for me, that is more in line with my skills. It is designing and building some kind of push cart. Hooray!

Still nervous about my schoolwork. Almost done reading about Spiritual Warfare, then i have two book reports and two papers to write.

Monday, 3 August 2015


It's a cold day and his email is keeping me warm :-)

Sunday #16

I fell asleep last night watching something or other. Woke up at 11-something pm thinking it was almost morning. It wasn't a productive day. Church was okay but i'd forgotten that it was the first Sunday of the month, not the last, so the music bothered me (i would have to have attended the earlier service for the organ and choir that i find more conducive to worship). Still, the Lord's Supper is the main thing. It keeps me going.

I am reading Karl Payne's Spiritual Warfare. It is a little bit scary!

Friday, 31 July 2015

Thursday, 30 July 2015


I'm feeling a bit disappointed about turning down a "work for the dole" opportunity that would suit me really well. It's putting trailers together and involves assembly and welding and stuff. It's 25 hours a week, and i have to start next week, and i didn't think i'd get my schoolwork done if i took it. So now i'm going to be working 15 hours a week in a second-hand shop instead. None of it means more money, it's just part of the government scheme to get people back into work. They wouldn't let me wait until after the 20th (when my course ends), and i need all the time i can get to get my papers written before then. Maybe there'll be an opportunity to switch, later? I doubt it. At least when school is finished i'll be able to focus more heavily on getting real work. We'll see what happens, i suppose. The timing kind of sucks but i guess things will work out somehow.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015


I'm not agonizing or anything, but i am reminded of how often i am in the position of waiting. Will he answer? Often no. There have been some critical things that i have agonized over, some smaller things that i have made bigger than they should be. And this is just normal... so far. Will i be worth responding to? I don't know. I have to see it some other way, like, "It's just not that important to him."

There is a difference, i think.

I'm reminded of when i had an emotional breakdown at work. A co-worker drew me into the sick bay and offered me a hug... something that at the time, mildly psychotic, i thought was derision at my incompetence. Then she went and got my boyfriend, who also worked there, saying "He probably gives better hugs than me..."

He stood and stared at me, and said, "Just... wait."

I'm still not entirely sure what he meant by that, but it certainly added to the surreal tone of the day. My co-worker probably had no idea that he wouldn't comfort me somehow. There was nowhere to go, no comfort to be had.

I suspect i am in love partly because of an ability i have seen and experienced to be comforting. There was no sign of it when we were actually dating. I wonder what's going on with that?

Meanwhile i slowly learn to wait, maybe for nothing.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015


I almost forgot to post today. It hasn't been very productive. This evening, i've been reading my next book instead of writing a report, just so that i get something done. Better than nothing i suppose.

I also managed to have a shower and wash my clothes :-/

Monday, 27 July 2015


It makes me so happy to hear from him. Seems like i don't often mention that part!

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Sunday #15

Who knows what i weigh? I look pretty fat in yesterday's family photos.

Small miracles today: getting to church very nearly didn't happen, but it did. It took someone else to press the button to stop the bus. Also, deciding i wasn't up to going to my group study meant that i got to Skype with my sister, her partner and their new baby. Hard to figure out what would've been right, there, but i was really grateful for that conversation.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

Feeling old

So exhausted. I stayed up too late and had to get up early. I don't know what to write. Getting a little tired of being so emotional all the time. It's better than being actually crazy though.

I am feeling so old, like my days are numbered. Small numbers. I wonder how much longer i have left? I look at my parents and aunts and uncles and wonder at being such an age. It seems inconceivable that i'll get to 60, let alone 70. And how do they lead such busy lives?

I have to do something about my health.

Friday, 24 July 2015


Sometimes when i look at his picture, i wonder if he likes to watch me squirm. Then i feel guilty for the thought. I wouldn't blame him if he did, because i hurt him.

I think possibly the greatest regret of my life so far is not staying with him, when he offered, when i went to St Louis. We could have cared for each other. Instead we had a horrific dance that lasted years, of "what are we"? I still don't think it's answered adequately, but at least we know each other cares.

Peacock, was the house where i stayed. Too damn proud to be of what little service i could be. Wound up in more pain than i could handle.

Sometimes i'm aghast that i plan on going back for more pain, but i know that no other place makes sense. I will have to be very careful about my health and security, because i'm going to get old and there will be nobody to care for me. It's hard to move to another country.

I'm glad to have had this time to reconnect with my family, and get to know my niece and nephew. It seems right. Not working doesn't seem so right, but i'm glad to have time to finish the one class i'm doing. And it's good to get to know some Lutherans in Australia, even if i'm uncomfortable about various aspects of church... It would be odd not to have any perspective at all by having stayed in the US all this time. Also, i was terrified. I need not to be terrified of what i'm doing. It's looking more reasonable now.

Thursday, 23 July 2015


I have a new niece.


I saw this on Facebook:

If they miss you, they'll call.
If they want you, they'll say it.
If they care, they'll show it.
And if not, they aren't worth your time.

It really irritated the fuck out of me.


Today my niece looked at me with new respect as i presented to her a water bottle that had both a pink body and a pink lid.

"You put the right lid on!" she exclaimed.

I'm not quite sure what anarchic motives Granny has with putting the pinks with the purples but i knew this would be a winner with the kid. It probably means i'm on water duty forever more, actually. Clever Granny.

Another thing we did was go to the hairdresser. I didn't see fit to remind Granny how she cut our hair herself and i still cut my own today... Times have changed. My niece didn't want to go at first, but i offered to come too. How cool to be so popular!!

After the haircut, we played on the swings in the park. She asked for me to push her, because i am funny. (Ooooookay, the truth is leaking in.)

"Funny..." I wondered... then asked her to guess how many times i could clap between swing pushes. Then i made popping sounds when i pushed, then chicken noises. We were both making crazy chicken noises and laughing by the time some tradesmen from the local housing development walked past. They smiled. I really enjoy how being around kids gives one a license to sing and dance and play.

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Getting Started

I napped after dinner, exhausted, 'til 10:20 or so, then i went to bed. Now I'm awake at 4am again. I like the quiet, i have to say. If i didn't have to go to bed at 7:30pm for it to be sustainable, i might think about doing it deliberately.

What did i do yesterday? Made a list of jobs to apply for, helped my mum move some furniture around, went to the local shopping mall to work on my book report. There i ate a lot of food, smoked the last of my cigarettes, shopped at Target for clothes, and finally, yes, did get started on my paper. I had planned to have two done by now and i'm still working on the first of those.

I had a dream about trying to start brush-cutters/line trimmers.

Monday, 20 July 2015

Sunday #14

I weigh about the same.

Sunday was quite good. I went to a study group called 40 Days of Community, and met several people i hadn't met before, and had dinner with them. The materials are provided by Rick Warren and i was pleased that our leader was not hesitant in pointing out his use of different bible versions and where he seemed to stray somewhat from the Lutheran perspective. It made for some good discussion.

Beforehand i was madly trying to fix up my sister's old bike so that i could get there under my own steam. Sadly didn't make it in time which made me feel a bit chaotic. Hopefully i'll have it done for next week.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Party #2

Well, i survived and even enjoyed a post wedding party where i didn't know most of the people there. There is something very nice about how relaxed it is to be around this couple and their friends, even though we don't see each other very often. It's a good example of where being friends with a guy has seamlessly become being friends with the couple, the way i imagine it's supposed to work.

I had a really nice long conversation with a guy who talked about how his personal issue with anxiety is mostly fixed by being a father. Having that relationship and responsibility for his children means that he gets on with things and feels better. I thought that was pretty interesting. I know that having good relationships makes a big difference for me.

I even made it home in time for dinner, and my mum and i annihilated the quick crossword.


Today i have my first party to go to in quite some time. Hope i behave myself!